Myths of the Uchiha
by Heero91
Summary: Weird and random one shots based on common fanfiction facts about certain Uchiha, each one has it's own prompt and Uchiha. Not for the serious of heart. Please read and enjoy
1. Chapter 1

Title; Myths of the Uchiha

Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

I've noticed several little oddity's that are used so much that one might think they were actually canon, so I thought some sort of humour fic was necessary; I've decided to take a crack view of these instances.

Begin.

Prompt One: Sasuke happens to have _some_ form of jewellery from his mother to be given to whomever his love happens to be, but for some odd reason this also happens to be the only thing of his mother's that he has left;

* * *

"So Sasuke unfortunately it seems that Itachi also took or burned most of your families possessions." Explained the Third Hokage his heart heavy at having to tell the traumatised young boy his news, it was all part of Itachi's grand plan to ultimately protect the boy but Sarutobi was still pained to have to be so callus to the boy.

"I see…what was left?" asked the boy surprisingly cold and business like; Sarutobi supposed he shouldn't have expected anything less of Fugaku Uchiha's son, the man had been tenacious and it seemed Sasuke had inherited that trait.

"These were all that the Anbu could find." Answered Sarutobi gesturing to what was essentially all of the boys possessions in the world, he wasn't old enough to inherit the title of clan head and hence would be forced to live life exactly like any other orphan; a small apartment and food stamps, the boy would refuse adoption and this was the high of the villages social care.

A pendent, a journal, a photo album and an old Shakuhachi sat on the desk.

Oddly the eight year old only picked up pendent before he made to leave the room.

"Sasuke what are you doing, what about the rest of your families items?" asked Sarutobi utterly bewildered at the boys actions; people reacted to grief in all different kinds of ways, tears or anger being the most common; picking your favourite family possession and abandoning the rest was uniquely Sasuke quirk.

"This is a romance story Hokage-sama and I must marry a girl and restore my clan; however I only require one plot item at this time, if we do a sequel or something I'll be back for the rest." Answered the boy as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Sarutobi didn't stop the boy this time; he simply let him leave and made a mental note to have a grief specialist medical ninja look the boy over at some point.

* * *

Sasuke entered his first class that morning with a purpose, today he would find a wife and propose to her; fortunately the girls seemed more than happy to scramble towards him.

Like fish in a barrel.

He examined Sakura first, then eyed his pendent; Sapphire blue not pink or emerald green.

The young Uchiha let out a quiet curse and then a not so quiet stout of 'Next'; Sakura her heart broken scrambled from the room in tears.

After a long ten minutes of checking Sasuke was upset to find that not one of his classmates matched his plot device, Ino had come closest but even her eyes weren't the right shade of blue; and if Sasuke had learned anything from romance novels his mother read to him it was that the plot device matched the leading woman miraculously perfectly; huffing the boy took his seat and awaited the start of class.

Perhaps an accident in the future would alter or weaken his perception of colour and then one of the girls would match, Sasuke could only hope.

"What's up Sasuke?" asked Naruto sitting next to him as the teacher entered the room, the genius turned to glare at the blonde and froze…the perfect shade of blue, _Naruto's_ eyes matched his plot device perfectly.

The young Uchiha quickly stood and stalked towards the classroom door.

"Uchiha Sasuke, where do you think you're going?" shouted the teacher shocked by the usually perfectly behaved boy's stunt.

"To see the Hokage…he's got something of mine."

* * *

So hopefully that's a short chuckle for you guys, if you have any prompts of your own please send em in to be…don't expect much more than five hundred words but still

Hope you enjoyed!

R&R


	2. Chapter 2

Title; Myths of the Uchiha

Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

I've noticed several little oddity's that are used so much that one might think they were actually canon, so I thought some sort of humour fic was necessary; I've decided to take a crack view of these instances.

Begin.

This one guest stars Kakashi Hatake.

Prompt Two: Kakashi keeps an eye out from the shadows for Naruto, due to respect for his old teacher, and Sasuke due to some unexplored attachment to the Uchiha…and no, Obito and Sasuke being distant relatives isn't enough of a reason.

Be warned of Kakashi's expressive vocabulary

* * *

The Third was in a difficult position to say the least.

"So Kakashi in light of the situation I think it may be best if you took care of Naruto, you being the closest thing the Forth had to family and all." He had already actually tried Jiraiya, as much as he would prefer not to leave an innocent child with such a depraved individual, but had been turned down; now he was forced to give the erotic writer's biggest fan the child instead.

"Sorry no can do Hokage-sama." Returned the silver haired man much to the Hokage's amazement strolling casually from the room muttering something about black cats and old women preventing him…somehow from taking responsibility for young Naruto.

The Hokage had been caught off guard by the normally overtly loyal man's shocking disinterest and hadn't acted quickly enough to stop him from leaving.

In fact he was so stupefied that he failed to even blink for the next few minutes, as it were Danzo and Orochimaru could have burst into the room at that moment and announced their engagement and undying love for one another and the third wouldn't have noticed.

* * *

"So Kakashi, it's come to my attention you've been keeping an eye on young Sasuke; so I thought I'd offer you the position of his legal guardian, what do you say?" asked Sarutobi, it wasn't an actual invitation as Sarutobi knew the young Uchiha would never except the guardianship but more so than what he appeared to be asking Sarutobi, hoped to find out what had put off the Hatake the last time with Naruto.

"Well Hokage of course you know my reasons for looking out for the boy." Began the silver haired ninja expertly avoiding the information the Hokage was actually after.

Sarutobi nodded and muttered something under his breath.

One of the Hokage's aides could have sworn the older man had said 'of course, Obito was Sasuke's godfather after all and you've admirably taken on that responsibility in his place'.

Another aide however was certain they heard the Hokage say 'of course, Sasuke is the bastard son of you and -cough- Uchiha taken from you by the pregidous Uchiha head after the still birth of his second born'.

A third man outside the office came to the impression that the Fire lord had whispered 'of course you were a close companion of Itachi's and must feel guilty for not noticing the boys unusual behaviour'.

Odder still a fifteen year old girl passing on the street came to fanatically believe that she heard the Hokage announce 'of course, after the death of your lover Obito you began spending a lot of your time with the Uchiha and you even hooked up with and fell for Itachi in a whirlwind romance, Sasuke is all you have left now of two men you loved'.

Or course they were only hearing what they wanted…or at least that's what Sasuke told himself when the rumour finally reached him, though he did have a small chuckle at Itachi's expense at hearing the last one.

"As for Sasuke's guardianship I'm afraid that I can't at the moment." Answered Kakashi simply, Sarutobi jumped on it quickly with an over eager 'why'.

"Well…" began Kakashi, the third was embarrassed to realise that he had begun to lean forward in anticipation.

"Yes." The older man prompted.

"…think of all the ass I'd miss out on." Finished the elite ninja much to the third's share disbelief.

"Please do elaborate Kakashi." Gritted out the third confused beyond belief.

"What does the guy get in the single dad story; one awkward date with some moderately hot chick that normally he'd have bent over a couch before desert came out but now he can't help making a fool of himself with all his new found fatherly antics and quirks; then he's gotta run off to look after the kid before he gets so much as a blow from the bitch. Then you donate all your free time to the kid after that fiasco whiling away your youth until the brat goes off to college, and what ass do you get- some bullshit budding romance with the homely withered dried up single mom next door at best that's what!" ranted Kakashi leaving the Hokage with some rather odd questions, did Kakashi think this was a story, what did he mean by a 'blow', since when did Kakashi use words like fiasco and what was a college.

"Fuck that." Spoke Kakashi before he exited the office.

Sarutobi didn't try to stop him, he didn't actually do much of anything for the next twenty minutes as his mind struggled to process the information it had taken in.

The Forth could have barged into his office and asked to marry _him _at that moment and he wouldn't have realised.

* * *

Ah Kakashi, I think that this whilst an exaggeration may not be too far from the truth; the man does carry around a romance/erotic novel…he's clearly out to get laid and knows storyboarding.

Hope you enjoyed.

R&R


	3. Chapter 3

Title; Myths of the Uchiha

Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

I've noticed several little oddity's that are used so much that one might think they were actually canon, so I thought some sort of humour fic was necessary; I've decided to take a crack view of these instances.

Begin.

Prompt Three: Itachi has a kid, it falls to Sasuke to care for and raise the child.

* * *

Itachi had been in the Akatsuki for a while now and despite knowing it was childish he felt less than impressed with the group and the criminal lifestyle…in a word it was boring.

Damn boring.

Right now for instance his grand evil mission was getting groceries with Kisame…for Kami's sake they were even bloody paying for the things.

Surely Sasuke should have killed him by now, the boy had activated his Sharingan last they meet he would be well on his way to achieving power…it's not like they'd stick him back into the painfully slow academy (since all of the Thirds 'health' mandates anyway) and allow his anger to dull and his ire fade so much that his Sharingan would go back into hibernation and his mental fortitude that had allowed him to attack Itachi that night would whither until the boy would fear a piss-ant like Zabuza so much he'd rather commit suicide than face him.

Itachi suddenly got the feeling that he'd be waiting a long time…bloody mother hen Konoha-ians, he needed a murderous child power house damn it.

Maybe if he increased Sasuke's hatred?

"Kisame what's the worst thing you can imagine?" asked Itachi turning to his partner with a curious look, after all he'd already used genocide of loved ones- his own personal fear.

"Probably a bitch lying about being on the pill." Commented Kisame lightly with a grin.

"Why would that be bad?" asked the usually sharp Uchiha.

"Well I'd get stuck with a kid." Answered the bewildered Kisame before recalling Itachi's actual age, he forgot sometimes with the way the boy acted; it'd be a horrible fate for Kisame, he was having such a good time murdering and maiming but if he had a kid he'd have to change that- get married, get a steady job, a house, family car.

After all Kisame would have to take responsibility even if he'd been tricked like that; his Mama had raised him right after all, everyone used to tell her- she done a fucking _great_ job.

"A child, I see." Mused Itachi rubbing his chin.

"Kisame I require your assistance in making a child." That little query prompted Kisame to drop his items in shock.

"What! Itachi I can't do that." Kisame blurted out beyond confused, his outburst drew several onlookers.

The Uchiha gave him a slow look up and down.

"Why? Are you defective?" Asked the Uchiha casually, Kisame's attention was suddenly drawn to the sniggers and giggles of the people surrounding him.

He forced himself to take a deep breath a recall Itachi's age.

"First of all. I. Am. Not. Defective. Secondly, you weren't told about the birds and the bees were you Itachi?" asked Kisame struggling to keep his breathing even.

"Birds and Bees?" asked Itachi confused at how animals and insects came into all this, Kisame slung and arm around to boys shoulder and began to lead them away somewhere more quite to talk about such things; Itachi was content he was now on his first step to his new plan to enrage Sasuke.

On the way from the shop Itachi spotted a woman with a baby, he offered her an excited smile.

"We're going to back a baby now too." He told her, both the woman and Kisame began choking.

Even the baby appeared flabbergasted.

* * *

It was an average day at the academy for Naruto and finally it was over; it had been average yes, and average was boring…very boring indeed.

As the blonde wondered what to do with his free time he spotted Sasuke packing up his stuff for the day, he decided then and there that he would talk to the boy and work on his plan to make a real friend.

"Hey Sasuke, want to go to the park?" asked Naruto bravely, the Uchiha responded with an oddly exasperated look.

"I'd love to, but I've gotta look after the kids." Responded the nine year old with a sigh, Naruto felt his jaw drop.

"You've got kids?" asked Naruto in disbelief, he was fairly certain that wasn't possible.

"Yep, wanna meet them?" offered the Uchiha with a shrug, he had realised that with this becoming a single dad story he would need a goofy best friend to introduce him to his love interest, hopefully it just wasn't some used up loose homely bitch as that odd silver haired had mentioned…Sasuke didn't actually know what that was as such but it sounded bad.

"Okay." This was kind of like having a friend the blonde mused, plus clearly the Uchiha was getting some serious action and some of that would have to transfer over to Naruto too…whatever that meant, the silver haired old guy who lived near Naruto had just told him that.

They reached the hospital and Naruto realised that Sasuke's kid must have been born quite recently, but he had said kids- twins maybe.

Sasuke lead him to a large ward full of cribs.

"So which ones are yours?" asked Naruto, all of the babies had dark hair and eyes actually with only the rare few with a different hair or eye colour so it was hard to tell.

"All of them." Answered the boy with a sweeping hand gesture.

This Naruto knew to be especially impossible.

"How?" asked the confused Blonde, he didn't exactly know where babies came from but he did realise mostly only adults had kids and never this many- least of all at the same time.

"I just wished one night to have a family and clan again and then they started arriving for me in the post." Explained Sasuke as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"In the post?" asked Naruto, he'd never heard of getting a baby in the post before.

"Yeah, I guess the stork is outsourcing these days." Added the Uchiha with a shrug or his shoulders.

"Makes sense with all these deliveries I suppose." Agreed the blonde.

"You know you're not as annoying as I thought, it's a shame you're not a girl." Mused the slightly older boy, Naruto lacked the foresight to ask _why_ that was a shame.

He simply grinned at his own brilliance and performed his sexy Jutsu…the milder variant of course and not the one intended for adults, he retained his age and clothing but was now a girl.

As the Uchiha gave him a look of astonishment the blonde took the look as a personal victory.

"Can you wait here for a minute please?" asked Sasuke before stalking off.

* * *

Sarutobi was in the middle of his heated debate with Danzo and the elders over the latest 'development' in the Uchiha situation when his office doors were suddenly thrown open.

"Oi old man, I need my pendent back"

* * *

It was years later when Itachi visited the leaf village to capture to nine tails he became certain that his younger brother had mastered Genjutsu to an unprecedented and rather bizarre level.

Within the Genjutsu Itachi tracked the nine tails only to find its container appeared to be both the wrong gender and married to his little brother.

It was quite a sight to see the two still children themselves watching over the children he had sent Sasuke years ago.

Upon noticing him Sasuke had gotten the nine tails to usher the children into the house and Itachi felt his adrenaline spark to life in anticipation for the fight to come.

Imagine his surprise when his little brother invited him in for tea.

Itachi accepted of course (he had manners after all) and soon found himself seated across from his brother at a kitchen table, sipping tea and wondering what manner of bizarre scheme all this was.

They were joined moments later by the nine tails where upon the two of them explained gently that the children didn't know that Itachi was their father and with all the danger surrounding a known criminal and with the children's fragile state of minds at their age they thought it best if Itachi simply leave.

Itachi deduced this to be a veiled warning created by Sasuke within the illusion to leave Konoha.

Itachi activated his Sharingan and was horrified to realise that it failed to pierce the Genjutsu.

He wisely (in his opinion anyway) decided to make a tactical retreat, Kisame the fool believe there was no illusion at all.

The simpleton.

* * *

And that's the third one and our first appearance of Itachi, just to warn you ahead of time their won't be a whole lot of continuity between chapters since these are just fun little one shots and all.


	4. Chapter 4

Title; Myths of the Uchiha

Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

I've noticed several little oddity's that are used so much that one might think they were actually canon, so I thought some sort of humour fic was necessary; I've decided to take a crack view of these instances.

Begin.

Prompt Four: Whilst training in Sound Sasuke witnesses disturbing and twisted horrors he reacts rather nonchalantly. (More precisely other characters ted to go on about these apparent horrors when talking about Sasuke or if a character joins him in going to sound they'll become mentally twisted and dark while Sasuke will stay much the same.)

* * *

Once he finally reached the Hidden village of Sound; after battling Naruto, being forced to survive on only mushrooms in the forest on the other side of the valley of the end and a rather psychedelic adventure with a unicorn and a talking squirrel that ended with the young Uchiha awakening in small villages fountain wearing a pair of novelty breasts and with a piercing in what can only be described as an unusual location; Sasuke decided that the village was rather disappointing.

It was a pit…literally.

Just a bunch of ominous stairs leading into a dark decent- oh and Kabuto, tapping his foot impatiently, guess he'd been waiting awhile.

"Where are the others?" asked the white haired mad doctor blinking in confusion, I guessed he meant the pseudo-circus act that had guided me part of the way.

"Dunno, what's it matter anyway I'm here now." Answered the Uchiha sounding just a tad self-centred with an annoyed frown.

"Well yeah that's great and all, but they were supposed to get milk too." Responded the medic disappointment evident in his tone of voice.

"But Konoha is two weeks away, you guys have been waiting for milk for a whole month?" asked the Uchiha beyond confused.

"Yeah and let me tell you Orochimaru gets real cranky without his Cocopops, well I may as well give you the tour now. Come on." Replied Kabuto with a deep sigh leading the way down the steps.

For the first time since leaving Konoha Sasuke began to rethink his choice.

Hellish training, the risk of being genetically experimented on, becoming a prisoner with in his own body due to Orochimaru's technique, having to kill his old friends and comrades eventually when they tracked him down?

Not a problem.

No milk for his coffee in the morning?

Truly a faith worse than death by no small measure.

But it was too late for second guessing and the Uchiha found himself following the mildly insane medic despite his new found hesitance.

"That's one of the canteens through that door, the main armoury is down that corridor, that's where we sacrifice virgins and summon Demons." Listed off Kabuto as they journeyed through the dim corridors.

The Uchiha felt a tingle of worry run through his mind…he had lost all of his weapons on the way here, best to visit that armoury as soon as possible.

"Another canteen through there, that's corridor leads to the soldiers quarters, through there in our spa and Jacuzzi room, we have our orgies in that room," continued the man pointing to various rooms as the duo walked, hearing one of those in particular though Sasuke came to a complete and sudden stop.

"Something wrong Sasuke?" asked Kabuto turning to face the Uchiha a look of confusion on his features.

"What was that's last one?" asked Sasuke.

"The orgy room?" asked Kabuto with a sigh, he'd forgotten how innocent Konoha ninja could be…at least he hadn't pointed out the Demon orgy room yet, or Orochimaru's special alone time wing.

"No, before that." Responded the younger man with a shake of his head.

"The Jacuzzi room?" asked Kabuto his voice going a pitch higher than natural in his confusion…what possible problem could the Uchiha have with Jacuzzi's that they were more attention grabbing than a bloody orgy room.

That reminded Kabuto, the blood was seeping out for below the door again; he'd have to get someone to mop in there soon, nothing' worse than a dirty orgy room after all.

"Yeah, we have a Jacuzzi. Bitchin'." Answered Sasuke with a smirk, suddenly this place didn't seem so bad…though he was somewhat curious about what exactly an 'orgy' was.

"I should invite Naruto and Sakura over." Commented the young Uchiha as they continued the tour, after all Sakura had wanted to come in the first place and surely the promise of a Jacuzzi would entice Naruto.

"What have you been eating lately Sasuke?" asked the medic with slight unease.

"Just some mushrooms." Answered the Uchiha, before he began waving at an empty corner.

"Have you seen anything unusual lately, Sasuke." Asked Kabuto subtly leading the boy toward the medical ward.

"Not really, though that dragon claims these mines are haunted." Responded the Uchiha easily.

"I see." Orochimaru was gonna be pissed.

* * *

Though based on the anime and manga it seems Sound just has endless corridors of empty rooms.

Hope you all enjoyed.

R&R


	5. Chapter 5

Title; Myths of the Uchiha

Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

I've noticed several little oddity's that are used so much that one might think they were actually canon, so I thought some sort of humour fic was necessary; I've decided to take a crack view of these instances.

Begin.

Prompt Five: The lengths Sasuke will go to for revenge, his many pairings and Madara's insanity- namely all the years of playing Tobi having a permanent effect. This is set before the Eight tails capture mission.

* * *

Sitting back in the rather uncomfortable armchair Sasuke came to a startling conclusion, Madara had absolutely no decorating skills for a villain; the young Uchiha should know after all, he had toured Orochimaru's many bases and each had been exquisite decorated with fine foreign artwork- suspiciously all the nude paintings were male- and of course Itachi had always had a flair for interior decorating…in fact nearly a month before their climatic showdown Sasuke had had an earlier run in with Itachi in another of the Uchiha's bases- the Elder Uchiha had been in the process of redecorating, adding a fresh coat of paint to the walls while his stark like partner assembled what appeared to be a DIY bookshelf with some difficulty.

Sasuke had decided not to confront his brother that day, after all victory would be all the more sweeter in a fully decorated base.

But Madara's throne room looked like a colour blind child had decorated it…or someone from Grass country; the colours were clashing and all the furniture seemed at odds making it difficult to discern any conceivable overarching theme.

Sasuke would have to bring this worrying observation to Madara's attention, after the small matter of razing Konoha was complete of course.

Speaking of the Ancient Uchiha he had finally entered the room- wearing mismatched socks Sasuke noted- and with a grand hand gesture at his surroundings asked the younger Uchiha his opinion, said boy bit his tongue but increased his glare tenfold on his ancestor.

"Now now Sasuke my boy, there's no need to glare so hard; I know what you're here for." Offered the masked man calmly hoping to ease the ire now pointed at him, he took a seat across from his new comrade.

There was a few moments silence where Sasuke simply starred at Madara's 'sitting' form unblinking.

"What in the name of Chakra are you doing old man?" asked the baffled boy, Madara released a high pitched giggle at the question.

"Pretty good huh, I'm practising for my next cosplay." Rather than sitting in the traditional way Madara was now squatting in his chair his knees pressed up against his chest, there was a loud clap as the other occupant of the room face palmed.

"I do have a condition before I will aid you against Konoha though…a test of loyalty if you will." Spoke Madara interlacing his fingers and giving a small punctuated laugh, the young man only waved absently for him to continue, the poor interior decorating and blatant stupidity giving him a migraine.

"I require your greatest possession." The Uchiha stared confused for a moment before with a sigh he removed the blade from his belt and placed it on the table between them; after all not including the clothes on his back the weapon was his only possession.

Madara stared at the weapon on the table no less puzzled by the exchange than Sasuke, before realisation of his descendants naivety dawned on him.

"No foolish boy, I speak of a more metaphoric possession, your 'partner'." Rephrased Madara speaking the word 'partner' very suggestively.

The younger Uchiha was no slouch and pretty quickly he realised what Madara meant, partner referred to his team and the tone of voice he used was the same as the one Kakashi always used when speaking of something dirty, that meant sex; in as far as Sasuke was concerned that left only one suitor and if he was perfectly frank about it he considered his sword a far dearer partner.

"Ah, one moment please." With those words Sasuke left the room only to return moments later with Karin in tow.

"Here you go, if you only plan to screw Karin then take it to the cleaners before you return it." Spoke the Uchiha with an easy smile, safe in the knowledge that he'd acquired a valuable ally; Madara's look of confusion lasted longer this time before the elder man started openly laughing.

"I meant your lover Sasuke, not this cheap harlot." The younger man left the room deep in thought as the other soon discovered the hard way that it happened to be that time of the month for Karin.

'Who do I love' thought Sasuke…then abandoned the thought as he realised that he couldn't very well give himself away and no one else sprung to mind.

His next question was easier, who loved him.

* * *

"Oh Sasuke how romantic, I can't believe all this is happening, it's like something out of a romance book." Swooned a certain pinkette medic ninja as she and Sasuke strolled down the corridor drawing ever closer to Madara's throne room.

The young Uchiha quickly hid the copy of 'The lonely Medic finds love' he'd been subtly reading behind his back and picked up his walking pace.

"Well as I said, this is where I came after I killed Orochimaru, who forced me to leave by threatening you, to mourn how I had to stay away from you as a wanted criminal." Rhymed Sasuke loosely remembering the various lies he'd told the girl earlier, Sakura stopped and blinked in confusion for a moment eying the Uchiha with some suspicion.

"I thought you said Itachi threated me?" she asked both hands planted on her hips, Sasuke paled considerably.

"D-did I? I get confused sometimes…from all the heartache." Stammered the Uchiha nervously, it seemed enough for the girl though as she cooed and pulled him into a tight hug.

They reached the door a moment later but the Uchiha paused before entering, stopping Sakura and laying a hand on her shoulder.

"Sakura, before we go any further there's something you should know…I did not decorate this room, it was like that when I got here." And with that he pushed the door open and with a quick shove on her behind and an 'in ya go' the two entered Madara's layer.

"The hell Sasuke, I know you don't love her." Called the frustrated Madara upon seeing the bewildered pink haired girl, the Uchiha let out a curse.

"Well she loves me…ain't that good enough." The look Madara fixed the Uchiha with told him it clearly was not enough.

So once again Sasuke left the lair onto his next idea, who had he had the most romantic interaction with.

The answer he realised horrified him.

* * *

"So you're really coming back to Konoha, just like that?" Asked Naruto as he followed his rival down the corridor…the blonde noted the poor artwork lining the walls and questioned how he never before noticed Sasuke's tacky taste.

"Yep…I just need your help moving my couch." Answered the Uchiha almost absent minded.

"Right, then you can help me find Sakura, she suddenly vanished...what's so important about this couch anyway, Konoha is a two day journey?" asked the blonde, receiving a snort and what sounded vaguely like 'I am well aware' from the Uchiha; the man himself though was panicking trying to think up something important that could possibly involve a couch.

"I um lost my virginity on it." There was silence for a few moments between the two before the younger began to freak out, insisting he would not be touching anyone's damn sex couch.

The Uchiha managed to coax him into the room though with promises of gloves to carry the imaginary couch and a ramen reward.

Madara was not amused at the slight of Naruto.

"You're just fucking with me now Sasuke, aren't you?" asked the elder lifting his mask to massage the bridge of his nose.

"What? He _was_ my first kiss." Returned the Uchiha more than a little annoyed himself…this would likely mean another four day trip.

"You can't fool me Sasuke, you can't keep hiding your love. You have to make a decision." Tossing his hands into the air in a rare break of composure the Uchiha stalked sulkily from the room.

* * *

A quick investigation later and a not so quick trip to Konoha and Sasuke discovered that Hinata Hyuuga ranked next most likely to be matched up with him…despite never holding a conversation with the girl rumours of arranged marriages at birth, hidden school and childhood romances and other such trite the Uchiha preferred not to dwell on.

"T-this seems a l-little far to go for a s-speech t-t-thera-class, Sa-sasuke-san." Commented the Hyuuga princess through her stammering and stuttering, the Uchiha raised an eyebrow at her in curiosity, they were only feet away from the door now.

"You waited two days to ask that question?" he asked, the only answer being a bright scarlet blush.

"It took you two days to summon the courage to ask?" the Uchiha tried instead, her blush darkening in response…that almost had him reconsidering, a wife that quiet would be almost better than Madara as an ally.

Almost.

"By the way before class starts…I had nothing to do with decorating this bas…speech therapy school." Mentioned the Uchiha before with slight sadness he led the latest Konoha refugee into Madara's throne room.

Madara sat- in what Sasuke was reasonable certain he'd been calling his 'L' pose- wearing a new outfit consisting of blue pants and a light grey sweat shirt, he did little more than shake his head at his descendant and the Hyuuga princess.

"Wrong again Sasuke, I'm not appreciating all this fooling around you know." Commented the ancient Uchiha, Hinata did little more than blush and stutter on the spot.

"Well would you just give me a damn clue old man…and green and pink do not go together, I mean really." Countered the younger man with a flippant wave towards Madara's new curtains.

"It's obvious." Insisted Madara.

"Then it's not a spoiler if you say it asshole!" yelled back Sasuke at his wits end.

Strangely Madara agreed and after hopping from his chair and rummaging through a nearby desk for several minutes he produced a stack of papers for the other Uchiha; it took Sasuke little more than a glance through the first of these pages to gather that Madara was completely and wholly out of his mind.

"…You've made this woman up Madara." Sighed Sasuke after several minutes of reading, this girl hadn't been in his class, he hadn't been protected by her from bullies forging a lifelong bond, she hadn't witnessed the Uchiha massacre and driven Itachi off, he was entirely certain that there was no such thing as the 'Sue' clan or bloodline anywhere and that the First Hokage was not secretly a woman and this strange creations mother.

"She's my OC." Answered Madara rather perkily.

Several moments silence passed.

"I'm out." Announced Sasuke making his way to the door- grabbing Hinata when he realised she was still there for the hell of it.

"What do you mean Sasuke? What about your revenge?" asked Madara clearly confused at his descendant not following his carefully crafted path.

"Fuck it, if it mean's bad taste and whatever exactly an OC is I'm not interested. Moving straight onto part B of my plan, repopulation." It may not have been the best thing to say as his newfound companion collapsed at the word 'repopulation'.

Genocide Sasuke was fine with, rape, pillage, anything really.

But he drew the line at this 'Mary Sue' character.

* * *

Weirdly this has been sitting on my laptop for bloody ages, not sure why I didn't realise it was ready to go until now.

Hope you enjoy, be kind and leave me a review :)

R&R


	6. Chapter 6

Title; Myths of the Uchiha

Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

I've noticed several little oddity's that are used so much that one might think they were actually canon, so I thought some sort of humour fic was necessary; I've decided to take a crack view of these instances.

Begin.

Prompt Six: Gender flipping for value dissonance and of course because it amuses me.

* * *

There came three solid knocks on the oaken door and it was a long wait before the muscular young man answered the door decked in his red muscle shirt and black cycling shorts. His defining feature though was easily his slicked back pink hair displaying his slightly too high forehead.

"Hello Officers, may I help you?" questioned the youth appearing confused at the two detectives standing at his door. They couldn't be here to see him after all, model student, aspiring doctor, body sculpting enthusiast.

"Good evening, Mr Haruno correct? Would you care to answer some questions?" spoke the man in a low dawdle his expression carefully veiled. He was the skinny sort the boy noted, tall but scrawny. With such a slim frame though the bulge of his pistol beneath his jacket was unmistakable.

"You can answer them in the station if you'd prefer." Quipped his partner a stout brunette woman, her tone was noticeably more hostile.

"I don't mind officers, anything I can do to help." It was probably that Naruko he thought, shop lifting again or some other form of delinquency, maybe she'd become a stripper or a prostitute. She seemed the type.

"Are you in contact with a Naruko Uzumaki?" asked the man, good cop. Bingo the Haruno thought to himself, it was the delinquent. If only Sasuko would stop hanging around with that girl.

"What has she done wrong now?" asked the boy huffing and crossing his arms, a pose he'd chosen carefully as it best displayed his chest and arms. The woman playing bad cop frowned darkly at the question.

"Why, gonna smack some sense into her?" asked the woman in a low snarl, too caught up in his woe always me thoughts the boy didn't notice exactly what direction the interrogation was heading in.

"It's never worked before." Complained the boy. The woman half lunged forward shocking the boy with the viciousness of the movement but was stopped by her partners intervention.

"That's quite all we need on that topic sir. Now the next, miss Sasuko Uchiha." The man spoke eying his partner carefully. The Haruno couldn't blame him, clearly the other officer was crazy.

"What's Sasuko got to do with this, if Naruko's gotten her in trouble I'll…" he stopped himself when it looked as if the woman might take another go at him. The male officer had a much chillier expression now too but it went unnoticed to the boy.

"What is your relationship with miss Uchiha?" asked the man eyes narrowed, the boy smiled at the connotations of the question.

"She's my girl, and maybe someday my wife." He announced, the woman snorted and unhooked the handcuffs on her belt this time moving forward without her partners interference.

"Funny, she says you're the creep fuck that's always following her around. I'm taking you crazy ass in, you can answer the rest at the station."

* * *

"You know I hear she used to be a man." Commented the bubbly blonde girl slurping her noodles noisily. Her companion a striking dark haired girl wrinkled her nose in disgust, though whether at the comment or the girl's eating habits was a mystery.

"Orochi? I wouldn't be surprised though you've been wrong. Remember you're attempt to take off Miss Kaka's mask?" responded the dark girl drawing a boisterous laugh from the blonde girl.

"That worked out so much better though, who'd have thought she had such a racy tattoo." Said the blonde fondly, her friend quirked an eyebrow.

"Or didn't bother wearing a bra. How long were you in detention Naruko?" Added the brunette casually recalling that specific school assembly and the sudden fan club that sprung up for their English teacher afterward. It had only been enhanced when a student had borrowed a text book to discover it hollowed out with an erotic novel inside.

"Six weeks. She was perky for an old broad though." Mused Naruko sighing in content as she finished her ramen.

"Then miss Gail flashed the assembly apparently under the impression it had been a challenge." Both girls shared a grimace at that particular memory of their gym teacher…there had been no fan club dedicated to her after, perhaps due to that unfortunate uni-brow.

"You know, I miss Haruno, I wonder if he's lonely." remarked the blonde whimsically.

"Impossible, with that pink hair he's sure to make plenty of friends where he is."

* * *

That's that, short and sweet I didn't feeling like moving outside the team 7 for the switch. It'd be too cumbersome for a drabble if I went through the whole damn character sheet.

Of course the Sakura here is her exaggerated characteristics not her genuine personality.

R&R


	7. Chapter 7

Title; Myths of the Uchiha

Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

I've noticed several little oddity's that are used so much that one might think they were actually canon, so I thought some sort of humour fic was necessary; I've decided to take a crack view of these instances.

Begin.

* * *

Prompt Seven: Alcohol to cure the ninja blues.

"Wha's tish?" asked the intoxicated youth as he stepped back into his apartment, his cold empty, lifeless apartment. The boy quickly knocked back another mouthful from the bottle in his hand barely even feeling the burn of the toxic liquid anymore.

A noxiously orange banner, Naruto's work clearly, had been hung over his mantel piece. Even drunk as he was the youth could make out that whilst poorly spelled it had been intended to say 'intervention'. He was just having a hard time figuring out exactly why an intervention was being held in his apartment.

"Sasuke...have a seat." Offered Kakashi gently leading the younger man into his own apartment and to the couch, vaguely he made out the figures of the rest of his teammates, the Hyuuga heiress for whatever reason and several other people he couldn't concentrate hard enough on to identify at that moment in time.

"Now Sasuke remember, we only want to help you. We're doing this because we love you Sasuke, love you. Love." Sakura began cupping one of the drunken youth's hands gently. She had to be pulled back slightly by their third teammate as she'd settled into her tangent of various repetitions of the word 'love'.

With a cough and an announcement of 'future Hokages first' the Uzumaki began things.

"Sasuke you are my best friend and a brother to me but when you drink…the alcohol, it changes you. You're merry, you laugh at my jokes and smile more, assure me I'll make Hokage someday and become generous with both your wealth and your spirit." At some point during Naruto's speech several eyebrows had furrowed and at least one person in the group had face palmed.

"In conclusion I congratulate you on your new found addiction and hope to every power above it never ends." Finished the blonde with a bright jubilant grin. It disappeared after Sakura bashed him hard over the back of the head propelling him out to the couch with the Uchiha…apparently he would now also be receiving the intervention on the problem of Sasuke's alcoholism. Kakashi spoke up next with an ahem withdrawing his envelop from his flank jacket.

"Sasuke, why don't you invite me drinking with you? I know lots of really good dirty jokes and my ninja dogs make great designated drivers. Also the bitches dig the Sharingan and we've yet to run a team play." This was oddly enough not a very surprising occurrence…Kakashi had had a bad reputation as drinking company since his Anbu days and had been trying ever since to redeem himself and get a drinking group together. Never the less Sakura had begun to twitch as she stepped forward to deliver her part.

"Sasuke, the medical and social ramifications of alcohol abuse are well documented and-" she didn't finish as the intoxicated Uchiha had apparently grown bored, caught a hand and pulled her down onto the couch and into his lap.

"Mmm Shakura, you shmell pretty." Hummed the drunken ninja to his teammate drawing a bright blush from the girl in his lap despite smelling pretty being a rather bizarre in nature attempt at a compliment.

"…and what are those ramifications compared to seeing you so happy…happy and affectionate." Finished the pinkette looping an arm around the drunken boys shoulders and contenting herself with her position. Few heard the Uzumaki's snort and low mumbled 'hypocrite' before he had to duck a stray kick thrown half-heartedly by the content girl.

There seemed to be some awkwardness among the rest of the room as to how to proceed. In truth the Uchiha did not possess many friends and most of the occupants had been there out of just general support…no one had accounted for the rest of team seven folding so swiftly. A general mummer passed that at the very least Kakashi had achieved a frightening level of unity among his team.

"Um, I've got one, well not mine. Neji couldn't make it but asked me to read on his behalf." Spoke up the weapons mistress Tenten pushing her way out into the front of the group. She opened the letter and barely stifling a giggle began to read.

"To the Uchiha, while I am flattered at your interest I must once more strongly insist that it would both be impossible and severely undesirable for me to help you revive your clan. No matter how many times you flip a coin you will not get 'head' and I will under no circumstances hold my body against you if you call it hot. I understand your fascination for the potential of a Hyuuga-Uchiha child and in desperate hopes of keeping you from hitting on me in the future I have broached the topic with my Uncle…he seems unusually fascinated by the potential as well as the opportunity to marry off a daughter and leave only a single uncontested heir so I wish you luck in the endevor...and that endevor alone. Again, to reiterate, I will not bear your children, please stop asking." As the brunette finished the letter there were several reactions about the room, the loudest being Naruto's unbridled laughter, though no less noticeable was the Hyuuga heiress throwing herself into a sprint for the door. Sakura it seemed also had a question in mind thanks to the letter.

"Sasuke, you…you want kids?" Asked the medic ninja smiling broadly as the young Uchiha nodded. A disturbing gleam entered the woman's eyes as she turned to regard the rest of the room coldly.

"You heard him. That counts as consent, now get the hell out!"

* * *

Been awhile since I done one of these, home you enjoyed the little piece.

R&R


End file.
